Hey Ladies, learn magic here!
If illiterate, just skip to step three of footnote three.
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy—”
It was one of The Headmaster’s favourite day of the year. Today, all of the girls1 at The UnBlessed School of the AntiTrin about his favourite lesson: dark magical arts.
This was done by means of CRT Television wheeled into classrooms with girls only, under which there was a VHS player, and into which the classic Vampires teaching Vampires educational VHS was popped in.
The video began:
Hey kids, welcome to Vlad’s Castle, where we teach you all about the dark magical arts! Taught by your favourite teacher, Vlad!
A man that looked suspiciously familiar to all of the girls watching stepped into frame. He looked like he was reading off of notes, some scrap of velum he had in his hand.
He cleared his throat.
“Uhh, hi kids, I’m here to teach you about—”
Vlad squints at the page.
“—dark magic. Lesson one. Snake magic. And don’t worry children, all you have to do is ask! Look at mirror, smile now.”
The man looked up from his scrap of velum. He :)
The girls always began confused. The only thing he would do is smile and stare at the camera mirror? and do nothing. I thought this was supposed to be the dark magical arts! I only took this class because it said in the course description that I would be learning about magic!
It always took over 20 minutes before one girl thought that she was better than the rest of these other bitches to go:
“So is this guy just gonna keep staring at us?”
“She said, hoping to seem like a queen bitch.”
The entire classroom went through whiplash, first turning towards the girl speaking and then the TV at the front of the class.
The Headmaster always loved this part. For you see, this was a magic VHS tape, which would always give responses in the form of a narration surrounding whomever said the original words. It’s the context, you see. This is truly what the snake magic is, the dark arts. There is no answering questions, there is only framing those questions within a certain context. What context? Whatever you’d like.
The Headmaster said to himself, knowing that there is no difference between thoughts and talking to yourself if no one is listening.2
The girls were starting to realize that this VHS, was in fact, a horror movie.
“so are you going to teach us anything practical?”
“what do you mean by practical?”
“you know, something that I can use in real life, like, the real world”
“No I don’t know, what is real life, the real world?”
“Okay like, what if I wanted to use magic out on the street?”
“Then do it.”
The class would go silent.
“But how do I do it? What kind of spells are we supposed to be learning? Something practical?”
“You do it like this.”
Vlad shape shifted into a street. He quickly shapeshifted back.
“Anything else?—oh right, the spells, well, whatever spell you want to learn. For what practice do you learn spells?”
“Alright, is there anything I can say out loud to produce some magical effect?”
“Yes.”
…
“Well?”
“There it is.”
The girls were confused for a moment.
The Headmaster always appreciated this part, but knew that the girls almost assuredly didn’t, at least, not at first. Girls don’t appreciate the power that they have over boys. They’re not aware of it. Some of them might think that they are, but they are not. Maybe to some extent, but that sort of magic always dissipates when faced against a proper stick magic user like Vlad here. The most they can do is produce smoke and mirrors, or cheap imitations of them, to scare or frighten or seduce, or all three of them, but they really are just one thing, hey just like the Trinity!
They underappreciate just how much power a look of expectation and frustration is to a boy. It almost assuredly forces him to speak. Often, the truth. He can’t help it. Too much anxiety. Or pressure. He feels as though he needs to deliver, and he will do so. He’ll do so not in an attempt to be a good person or any trite stupid bullshit like that, but because he feels better about himself if he gives an explanation to a girl on something that he thinks she doesn’t know about, boosting his ego and pride and making him feel good about himself. Besides, he would think, she was asking for it.
One brave soul, a single girl, asked the bravest question of all, for she knew that she would be persecuted by all of the other girls for just asking this question.
“Okay, what do I do if I wanted to get a boy to like me?”
“Oh that’s an easy one,”3 Vlad said, as he looked into the mirror
It was one of those things that they taught the genders separately on: “The darker the gender, the darker the magic,” The Headmaster would often say :)
Hey! Someone should make a joke about that and ascribe it to some fucking trees.
Step 1: Point to whatever problem he’s working on, and go “Oh, that’s an easy one,”
Step 2: Give whatever answer you want. Give whatever justification you want.
He will either agree with you (but not really), in which case, congrats on the ego boost! Your quest is complete!
OR
He will correct you regardless of whether or not you’re wrong or right or anywhere in between, in which case
Step 3: Accept that he’s right. Tell him, “You know, you’re right, what would I do without you?” in which case, he will agree with you on something (for once)
Step 4: Repeat however many times you’d like.
Ladies, feel free to have opinions, just relinquish the fact that they’re the right opinions, and you can get any man to do whatever you want.